wordsofdespair (wordsofdespair) wrote,

"Lovin' You" - Chapter 9/?

A/N: We're about half way through!

Chapter 9

I sped through the city streets, knuckles white on the steering wheel of Yun Ho’s car. Fuck him. He could walk home for all I cared.

How could he do that to me? How could he...?

Would he fuck them? Continue that little public display somewhere more private, up in the depths of Yoo Chun’s house...?

I felt a tear slide down my cheek, and I furiously wiped it away as I felt my stomach boil in anger.

Why did I always fuck things up? Was I not good enough for him? He had to go to someone else? Two other people?

I pulled out my phone, knowing there was only one person I could call. I just needed to fall into his arms and forget about all my problems and pain.

I dialled his number, still speeding towards my apartment as I listened to the dial tone.

“This is Chang Min, sorry I can‘t get to the phone right now. Just leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you.”

“Chang Min, it’s Jae Joong. Please...” I struggled, holding down a sob. “Please call me... why weren’t you at the party? Where are you?”

Before I could say anymore I was cut off, and I flipped the phone shut in frustration.

I felt my tears coming on more steadily now, rolling down over my cheeks and falling down the sides of my face.

He didn’t love me. He said he did! How could I be so foolish and believe him? He loved me once but now all I had to show for my time with him were the scars on my wrist and the bruises every now and then.

The scar...I remember that...

It had been after the first time he ever hit me, when I made the first scar...

We sometimes fought, but nothing serious.

Why don’t you ever listen to me?

Why didn’t you stick up for me?

Why didn’t you answer my call?

Then he got jealous. So jealous he would question my love for him. One night I had had enough. And he hit me. Punched me. Threw me to the ground, told me he loved me and then shook me. Hurt me, crushed me, broke me.

When I woke up I didn’t know what to do. Pretend like it didn’t happen? Get help? Get away? How could I hide this? From all our friends, our parents? What would they think of us? What would they think of him? My beautiful Yun Ho...?

And so I came home early one day. Took the largest knife from the block in the kitchen and sat down in the middle of the floor.

If he felt he had the right to hurt me then I could hurt myself just as bad...


I stepped into the apartment, the empty, cold, dark apartment. I placed my things away neatly, stepping out of my shoes and grabbing a glass of water. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Every time you hurt me, Yun Ho, I want nothing more than to show you I can hurt myself too. You do not have complete control over me.

I walked into the kitchen, walking up to the bench where the large wooden block sat, set of four knives slid into place.

I love you so much, can’t you see that? You make me do these things... I’m such a failure but I blame it on you...

I unsheathed the knife, trembling slightly as it made that eerie swish sound that I had become accustomed to, the blade coming in contact with the wood.

I was no pussy. I didn’t use razor blades. I didn’t play around. I wanted pain, and I wanted him tortured, knowing that every time he stepped into the kitchen he would have to see the thing that could potentially take my life. And the bastard still kept the knives, even when we moved. Maybe they cost him a lot. Maybe they were a present.

I looked around the kitchen, almost amused as I realised this was something new. This was the first time I would be doing this in this apartment. Two weeks. Congratulations.

I decided on an obscure place, somewhere that would keep me practically hidden in this uselessly small apartment. Maybe he would take a while to find me.

Maybe he wouldn’t come home in time and I would die.


“You have ... one ... new message. Message received today at ... 12:34 am...

Chang Min, it’s Jae Joong. Please... please call me... why weren’t you at the party? Where are you?

To save this message, press one. To delete, press two. To listen to the message again, press three.”

“SHIT.” I practically threw my phone at the apartment wall, cursing some more as I noticed it was now 9:46 am. Why hadn’t I been at the party? Where was I? Hmph.

He sounded distressed, and it also sounded as if he was driving, probably home in fear or something worse. Not a good combination.

I sighed, pulling on the nearest clothes I could find and rushing out of the apartment. What had that bastard done this time?


“This is Chang Min, sorry I can‘t get to the phone right now. Just leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you.”

“Goddamn it Min why don’t you ever answer your FUCKING PHONE or reply to our messages? This is urgent Min, it’s about Jae so fucking call me back.”


“This is Chang Min, sorry I can‘t get to the phone right now. Just leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you.”

“Yah, Chang Min, I had a good time last night so uh... same time next week? Just call me back, my number is...”


I woke up feeling drained, lethargic. I sat up quickly, head dizzy with pain as I noticed I was in the bedroom.


So I had made it again. Good. This was fun.

I lay back down, squinting through the dark at the alarm clock. Its glowing red numbers showed 10:03 am.

I held my arms above my face, smiling at the bandage on my left wrist.

Did he get the message? I was his, and he was mine. If he wanted to hurt me I could torture him.

“Jae Joong... why did you do this?”

I almost snorted with laughter, sitting up in the bed and turning to see Yun Ho standing in the doorway with a hurt look on his face.

“Because I’m not good enough for you,” I said quietly, sliding back down into the bed, closing my eyes and rolling over to face the wall.

“What do you mean? I love you Jae. No matter what I do, I will always love you.”

“So were you thinking of me when you were making out with Jun Su last night?”

I didn’t need to turn around to know what Yun Ho’s face would look like. That deathly glare, almost angry but not quite there. The anger was always in his eyes when he felt like this.

“Don’t talk to me like that-”


“Going to get that?”


I walked down the hall of the apartment building, hoping that I had remembered exactly where Jae lived. I didn’t want to show up at some stranger’s apartment and then go around asking if anyone knew where Jae lived, like a fool.

I stopped nervously outside the door to apartment 54 C. Was I ready for this? What was going to be behind that door? Was I even going to be able to get in?

I took one last breath to calm my nerves before lightly pressing the door bell.

DING-DONG I heard reverberated throughout the apartment within.

I stood for a few moments before I heard footsteps from inside, and a tired looking Yun Ho opened the door, an almost surprised look on his face.

“Ch-Chang Min?”

“Hi,” I said awkwardly with a half smile.

“W-what are you doing here?” Yun Ho replied, cocking his head to the side.

I took a deep breath, not wanting to cause tension between us. I didn’t want to fight Yun Ho again. I needed to feign innocence. Something I tended to be good at. Something people wanted...

I just wanted to get Jae out of this place. Away from Yun Ho and the hurt and the abuse.

“I...uh...Jae Joong tried to call me but uh... uhm... he sounded upset or something. Is he okay?”

I hadn’t planned on Yun Ho being there and now things were just awkward.

“He’s fine,” Yun Ho said coldly.

That was what set off the alarm bells in my head. No. He must not be. I kissed my teeth, trying to hide my alarm and anger.

“Oh, well, can I see him?”

I went to step into the apartment, but Yun Ho stepped forward and blocked the doorway with his body.

“He doesn’t want to see anyone. Sorry, Chang Min.”

This really pissed me off. My Jae had sounded so distressed on the phone. I know something happened. I know it. I needed to get in, see him, comfort him, save him...

Did Yun Ho know what we did? That I had finally made him realise that things would never change? I love Jae and he loves me. I would get him by any means necessary.

“Let me in,” I said loudly, quickly pushing past Yun Ho and taking him by surprise.

“Chang Min, why are you acting like this?” he shouted behind me, pulling at my shirt as I walked briskly across the apartment.

I spun around, yanking his hand from my shirt and breathing heavily as I glared at him angrily.

“What did you do to Jae?”


“This is Junsu, please leave a message!”

“J-Junsu, I don’t know what to do! Please, just get here as quick as you can. Fuck. NO!”


I placed a comforting hand on Yoo Chun’s leg as he sped across the city. Sitting next to him in the passenger’s seat I felt the guilty tears slowly roll down my face.

“I fucked everything up, Chun,”

“No, Su, everything’s fine, we don’t know that anything bad has happened yet, just calm down,” Yoo Chun said soothingly.

How could I be so stupid? I really needed to stay out of people’s lives. I just wanted to help, that was all. Why couldn’t people be more like Yoo Chun and I? So loving and sharing with everyone? Care-free and fun loving? Some people in this world sure were fucked up.

I had warned him, warned him to be careful. Why didn’t anyone ever listen? Chang Min never listened to me. Never listened when I said he could stay with me and Yoo Chun. Never listened when I told him he didn’t need to do those things anymore, that Yoo Chun and I could take care of him...

Yoo Chun was right. We didn’t know what was going on yet. I just needed to stay calm until we got to Jae and Yun Ho’s apartment.


“Please, don’t do this again!” I shouted, standing between the two very angry men in my apartment’s living room.

“Chang Min, I don’t get you!” I said, putting on an act as I rounded on the youngest in the room.

“If something was wrong I would tell you, and then, you disrespect both me and my boyfriend by barging into the apartment! I know you think you need to protect me, but really, I’m fine. What happened has nothing to do with you.”

I looked into his eyes, pleading for him to calm down and take my hint that now might not be the best time for him to act rashly and reveal anything that had happened between us.

“As for you, Yun Ho, you know what I think of you right at this moment.” I shot him a deathly glare before pulling Chang Min by the arm and towards the front door.

Before I reached it, there was a loud knock and the door bell was rung. I glared at Yun Ho, and he moved to open the door. I shot Chang Min another desperate look behind Yun Ho’s turned back, my hand still firmly gripping his arm.

I heard Yun Ho gasp slightly, his voice taking on that nervous tone that I seldom heard.

“Uh... now’s not a good time, guys,” he said, and my head snapped towards the front door to find Yoo Chun and Jun Su standing there, looks of concern on their faces.

I frowned. They were the last people I wanted to see at this moment. Damn right it wasn’t a good time. There hadn’t even been time for Yun Ho and I to fight. I hadn’t allowed for that.

We all stood there, me focusing a particularly disgusted look on my two friends as they silently shuffled into the apartment, Yun Ho stepping to the side and turning around with crossed arms.

I lowered my head, all of a sudden noticing my half-naked state and how weird things must look. I looked once more to Chang Min and noticed his look of utter confusion. He cocked his head to the side as if to say What the fuck is going on?

“I... uh...” Yun Ho paused, motioning for everyone to sit down.

Things were going to be awkward. Chang Min would find out why I had called him, why I had run away from the party, and why things had turned so drastic all of a sudden.

“No, Yun Ho,” I said, stopping in my tracks and looking from him to Yoo Chun and Jun Su. “I want to know exactly what was going on, and why,”

“Jae... we’re sorry man, we were just... drunk...” Yoo Chun said, his usual jovial tone lost.

I slowly let go of Chang Min’s arm, placing my hands on my hips and giving Yoo Chun and his boyfriend the deadliest look I could muster.

“I would like it if you would leave.” I said pointing to the door. With a hint of a bitter laugh I turned to Chang Min. “In case you’re wondering, these two had some fun with my boyfriend last night. That’s why I was so upset.”

I could see Chang Min and Yun Ho’s eyes meet across the room, and I needed to get them separated before anything else happened.

“I think it would be best,” I said after a deep breath, “If we all just left each other alone for a little while,”

No more words were exchanged, everyone’s emotions being kept on the inside which was definitely for the better. I walked slowly behind the three boys as they left the apartment, glad that I would be having some peace once they were gone.

Or would I?

I never knew in this stupid fucked up life of mine.

Yun Ho closed the apartment door and sighed. I saw the coldness in his eyes as I looked up at him, the look that he had when he was thinking about something that caused him great pain. The look he usually had after he hurt me. He would come toward me with cold eyes, and warm lips, warm hands, warm breath...

But not tonight.

He walked towards me, and we met in the middle of the apartment, me in only pyjama bottoms and bare foot, him fully clothed and reading glasses on.

He gently traced over the fading bruises on my chest, pulling me slowly into his embrace as he rested his head on my shoulder, murmuring unexpected words.

“We will get help,”
Tags: pairing: jaemin, pairing: yoosu, pairing: yunjae, title: lovin' you, type: chaptered fic
  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

← Ctrl ← Alt
Ctrl → Alt →
← Ctrl ← Alt
Ctrl → Alt →